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  • Mervyn Cole

Florida Man Planned to Have Penis Removed Before Having It Bitten off by Alligator

LAKE KISSIMMEE, FL — A weekend fishing trip went south when Witnee Mychals, 29, was attacked by an Alligator. Witnee describes the gruesome attack that prematurely cost him his genitalia, "I was just drinking beer on my dingy, and I went to urinate off the side of it, this dang cockeyed gator came up and snatched my junk. Florida has come a long way in accepting the trans community, so I felt like it was finally time to schedule my gender reassignment surgery. You know that gator sped that process up. But I still feel violated; that penis was mine. I would've liked to donate it. I mean, shoot, if I were to look on the bright side, I guess you can say that damn gator had a nice lunch because I sure as hell wasn't lacking in the meat department!"

Park Ranger Sheldon Jenkins tells us this wasn't the only occurrence this year and urges all Floridians to keep children, pets, and reproductive organs away from lakes and swamps. "These Gators don't care who or what you are. They're just trying to survive, and if that means munching on a woody woodpecker, then golly, that's what it'll do."


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