California Man Convicted of 3rd Degree Mansplaining

MODESTO, CA—The daughter of Timothy Watkins, 59, reported the Mansplaining to authorities on the morning of April 20th. "I don't think her father understood the severity of what was said to my client," says the plaintiffs' attorney Emily Ortega, "I'm sure he believed he was helping her, but the sad fact is, he was actually hurting her." The exact subject of the alleged mansplain is sealed by the court. "The case is ongoing, so I can't delve into the exact details. However, let's say someone has a degree in something and the other watched some youtube videos." We caught up with Watkins soon after he exited the courtroom, "My daughter is unrecognizable. I blame the schools. She came back from Berkeley a completely different person. I'm canceling my Cal Bears season tickets! They're creating monsters there!"

Zara Contreras, the founder of FELINE, a feminist rights group that dresses up like characters from the movie Cats, explains: "Mansplaining is one of the biggest problems women face in the 21st century. I've been pounding the table since 2009 to get this law passed so we could finally combat this heinous crime, but laws are only the beginning. The next phase, albeit currently unpopular, is for all women to marry other women." Watkins, meanwhile, is considering bringing in Johnny Depp's attorney from the infamous Amber Heard trial for an appeal.