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  • Mervyn Cole

Ice Cream Parlor Owner Changes Business Name to FJB to Keep Biden Away

MURFREESBORO, TN—After 55 years, Heidi's Ice Cream is now FJB Ice Cream, thanks to Jennifer Gourda, 35, who strongly feels the vulgar acronym will ward off the sweet-toothed president. "Listen, that Brandon ain't my president," says Gourda, who inherited the shop from her late grandmother, Heidi, in 2021. "My mamaw died from the China Virus. She gave her life savings to Trump, so I know she would have approved of the name change. Ain't nobody want that hair-smelling geezer around these parts." Biden spokesman Brett Rollins had this to say, "The president had circled Heidi's Ice Cream as a must-stop on the campaign trail; while the new name is unfortunate, there is no guarantee it will deter the president from Heidi's famous bourbon vanilla and cotton candy ice creams."

Some Murfreesboro residents, like Heather Robinson, are appalled by the change. "Look, I sure as hell didn't vote for that man, but if he wants to come along and support small businesses, well, that's okay in my book. Shoot, I think what that hussy is doing down there is downright rude. It is a disgrace." But others support the change, like Dwayne Rhodes, who works at the nearby Nissan plant in Smyrna, where Biden is slated to visit, "Heck if he needs that daily sugar crack, he can stop off at the Dairy Queen drive-through and keep on, keeping on, know what I mean? We don't need his goddamn money here" The plant hiked wages after the Biden-backed UAW agreed to a new contract with the big three in 2023. Spokesman Rollins notes that in Biden's second term, the administration hopes to help unionize automakers like Nissan to put even more money in Mr Rhodes's pocket.

President Biden at Salt & Straw in Portland, OR.


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