• Mervyn Cole

Swamp Ass Cases Soar Across the U.S.


MANHATTAN, NY— Fredricka Haiman, 28, and her boyfriend Alain Muller, 30, from Cologne Germany longed to return to New York City for their annual holiday. "Our last trip was so romantic," Muller said. "I came this year intending to propose in Central Park, but instead, we got hit with chronic Swamp Ass." New York is well known for its muggy summers, but climate change has intensified the already staggering humidity, making the usual leisurely stroll through the Park miserably moist. Dr. Gabe Somner of NYU Grossman School of Medicine explains, "Swamp Ass is the slang name for Swampus Anuscus. It occurs when the humidity rises to a dangerous level for our anuses. The reaction is swift and pungent. It forms a bacteria filled slip and slide between the glutes." There are no confirmed reports of death from Swamp Ass according to the CDC. However, Dr. Somner recommends to shower regularly and use baby powder or gold bond before leaving the house. "It's better to get ahead of it but it is something that's treatable with antibiotics. With that said I'd still avoid the Subway or other confined spaces during the summer months." Lawmakers in New York are taking action by proposing a bill requiring all new housing in the state include Bidets. As for Muller and Haiman, they'll be cutting their NYC trip short and heading to Las Vegas to round out the rest of their holiday. "I don't care if it's cliche to get married in Vegas, it's dry heat."